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How to get your partner to join you on a new habit?

Sometimes I don’t have to get my partner to join me on a new habit because everything works out so smoothly and natural that even asking is not necessary, we are in sync. Other times we have different opinions, ideas, timing and/or expectation. This post is about those times.

My wise spiritual teacher once told me.  –Imagine him never changing, never liking all the things you like, consider this might be an option and also see yourself happy with that outcome. Can you? You are the only one here to make you happy –She said.  The idea that your partner needs to do things to support you and make you feel better – well, is a fantasy, not the reason why you are in a relationship. Relationships are the vehicle to grow.

Let the idea of changing your partner (or anyone or anything) go. When you find yourself fantasizing about how nice it would be if he would support you, catch yourself and bring your attention back to your own growth and self development. It takes practice but it’s liberating.

I recently went through a severe case of strong expectations. I cried, got frustrated and well yes, I threw a tantrum. We all have expectations all day and everyday. There are small ones and big ones. Some are closer to deal breakers and other just keep piling up inside of us and they just become fresh meat for more judging.


These reminders helped me considerably:

• Only when I choose to become a higher version of myself everyday I can help and inspire others (including my partner). I walk the walk and only talk the walk if I’m asked to. Otherwise my life is my example.

•I can only be responsable for myself. Therefore I choose to  become happier, more compassionate, confident, a better listener, vulnerable, complain less, more loving, more generous, more giving, a better companion, more accepting and understanding, less controlling partner. Regardless of what others choose I can focus on who I am. Is possible that maybe and only MAYBE he might feel impulsed to start a change or join me. And if he doesn’t it’s ok as well. Because I’m already in such a good place with myself that I feel at ease with what is and expectations either vanish or I feel call to action out of love not out of ego.

• My happiness doesn’t depend on my partner joining me. My happiness lies in me giving, expressing and creating my gifts into the world so that the world benefits from my presence (including my partner)

• I’m willing to understand that my partner might listen and feel inspired by the same ideas and philosophy I’ve been saying and doing for years but from another messenger (thats not me) such as an author, friend, relative or parents. What is fulfilling for me is for him/her to be inspired to doing a habit or idea that I already enjoy (or a new one I can learn about). I don’t need to claim being the person that put that idea in his/her head. That is only my egos desire not mine.

• If I’m feeling that my partner doesn’t understand me that is a Red Flag for me that says -I’m not understanding my partner. We are all living on different levels and paces and as a loving partner I want to understand and accept my partner’s pace.

• We are all doing the best we can with what we know (including my partner). Remembering times when someone wanted me to do something I didn’t feel like I should do, or I just didn’t believe in it, helps me put myself in my partner’s shoes and is the trigger to remind me to bring my attention back into my own self development.

The best practice to accompany these reminders is meditation. In essence that is what we do in meditation, just being in the present moment without engaging, following or trying to change anything.Acknowledging our thoughts and letting them go!

Have you ever tried to change a loved one? Do you feel that if your partner changes you will be happier? Have you ever practice any of these principles? I would love to hear your thoughts. Remember that what we share can be medicine for someone else and for sure a step closer to a stronger vida!

About Dari

I provide value to the world through this blog. My work matters because by sharing my life journey (the good and the not so good) I alleviate the suffering caused by isolation in the world and inside myself. Which means it makes the world a better place. Which really means it helps you (and me) to remember that we belong, we are not alone and that YES indeed we ARE all ONE.

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